A few months back, I went to a lady’s house for Kanya Pooja with my 4-year-old daughter.
I have always taught my daughter that she should do what she feels comfortable doing. I will never force her to do something just because society expects her to.
She has seen me touching elders’ feet while leaving the house, but I have never told her that she has to do the same. If she wants to, she can. If she doesn’t, that’s okay too.
While leaving, I touched the aunty’s feet. She blessed me and said, “Khush raho.”
Then she looked at my daughter and immediately said,
“Your daughter should not touch my feet. In our house, daughters don’t touch feet, only daughter-in-law does”
I couldn’t help myself.
I said, “Daughters-in-law are also daughters in their own homes. So then you shouldn’t expect your daughter-in-law to touch your feet either.”
She replied,
“Lekin bahu toh bahu hoti hai.” (A daughter-in-law is a daughter-in-law)
And that sentence stayed with me.
If a bahu is always a bahu and never really a daughter, then why do we expect daughter-in-law to give the same love, care, respect and emotional attachment that a daughter gives?
Especially when the constant comments, expectations and actions keep reminding her that she is not really one of them.
And this double standard doesn’t stop there.
A daughter can go on a vacation with her husband.
She can go out with friends.
She can come home late.
She can wake up late.
She can wear what she wants.
She can eat what she likes.
She can have her own plans, her own space and her own life.
But when the same things are done by a daughter-in-law, suddenly there are questions.
“You both are always going out.”
“You never take us with you.”
“Why do you need to go out for dinner again?”
And sometimes, even a simple movie or dinner date with her husband gets a look that makes her feel like she has done something wrong.
But why?
Isn’t she also someone’s daughter?
Didn’t her parents also give her freedom?
Didn’t she also have a life before marriage?
And here is what bothers me the most.
The things we are talking about are not privileges.
Going on a vacation.
Having dinner with your husband.
Meeting friends.
Sleeping a little longer on a Sunday.
Wearing what you like.
Having some time to yourself.
Having your own plans and your own space.
These are basic human needs.
Yet, somehow, a daughter-in-law often has to explain, justify or even fight for these very basic things.
Why?
Why does marriage suddenly mean that the freedom you had as a daughter becomes something you have to earn again as a daughter-in-law?
Marriage should mean becoming part of a family, not losing your identity and becoming responsible for meeting everyone else’s expectations.
A daughter-in-law doesn’t have to be treated exactly like a daughter.
But she deserves the same basic respect, trust, freedom and understanding that we give a daughter.
Let her travel.
Let her spend time with her husband.
Let her meet her friends.
Let her sleep a little longer on weekends.
Let her wear what she wants.
Let her have her own space.
And most importantly, don’t expect unconditional love from someone you only offer conditional acceptance to.
Maybe the question isn’t:
“Why can’t a daughter-in-law be treated like a daughter?”
Maybe the better question is:
“Why can’t we simply treat both of them like human beings, with the same respect, trust, freedom and understanding?”
Because a daughter-in-law doesn’t need to become a daughter to deserve that.
She just needs to be treated like a person.
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